Marriage vs. Divorce? I want us.

Hi...

My goal of $6000. It's either for finding a place for my kids and I to live OR if we can work on the marriage, I would use this as opportunity. I would go help one of his bucket list and would go and schedule a vacation to Ireland. Time to reconnect, fall in love again. Spend time together and look at the beautiful work of God. Facing beauty and realizing that God is Sri much bigger than the problems we face. God's 's glory in it magnificent vastness. It truly does calm the soul.

Very, very soon, I'm a going to be divorced from the love of my life. He asked me for a divorce in February 2016. I'm heartbroken. We have been married for almost 2 years in June.

This marriage is the 2nd for both of us. I learned from mistakes I made in my first marriage, determined to not repeat them if I ever decided to re-marry. I was convinced I was never going to put myself in a situation like that again. It was a difficult marriage. One where I had little voice for opinions.

I met my current husband by fate. By the grace of God. I believed and continue to believe that God intervened and had our paths cross. I fell so deeply in love with him, that from that point forward, I've never even noticed other men. In all sincerity, I still don't.

Coming from a divorced home, I saw< a lot and understood the damage caused by certain activities. Activities, I sadly found in our marriage. I was devastated. Am. I begged for over a year for us to get help. I supported him and encouraged him to get help. This monster was damaging our relationship. Damaged our marriage. Still, he refused to get help. Resentment kills marriages. Lack of intimacy kills marriages. I slowly lost my marriage to it. I lost my husband to it.

When I heard from my husband justifications why these behaviors are normal, it begs to question why. Especially when he is a church leader. Our vows were taken from Ephesians 5 22-33

"22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."

I am struggling how a man who has had a love of God since birth and had been raised in the church can justify bad behaviors to his wife. It is said that any man who looks upon a women with list in his eyes, has committed adultery in his heart. Why is this such a difficult concept?!

Regardless of how hard or difficult our marriage may have become, I was going to do everything in my power to find ways for us to be successful. Unfortunately, industry got to him before I could. His first marriage ended because of this exact reason.

I'm so beside myself. I moved 3 hours away from family and friends to marry the man I still love. I am so hurt. I'm so disillusioned about everything. I learned how to love him unconditionally, which, honestly, it's making it that much batter on me because I still want to do everything to save my marriage. I can't force him to want to though.

Now, in a few weeks, the divorce will be finalized. I have to find a place for my children and I. I've been a stay at home mom since October 2015. My husband is starting to cut me off financially. How am I suppose to find a place with no money?! This is the reason we are still living together. I can't afford to move. This while thing is hurting my children. I'm trying so hard to be strong and put a "smiling mom, everything is fine" face for them, when I am scared to death as too what I am going to do.

I've made mistakes in my marriage. I sought out counseling and have been attending for the last year. I'm doing the best I can but I cannot force him to love me when he doesn't. I cannot force him to work on the marriage when he just wants out.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling unattractive. I'm tired of hurting. I am a loving, beautiful women. I don't look or can measure up to the porn stars in the videos. I don't want too. I want to be loved based off my personality. My smile. What I offer and bring to my marriage. I hated myself for the longest time because he prefers porn over a true, loving commitment. What is sad, I have repeatedly to told him, I will stand him to the end of my days... But he chose "privacy" over our family.

My 3 biological children are hurt. They are scared. My youngest son feel in love with my husband. I asked him one day how he was feeling about "Daddy" (that's what he called my husband) and I divorcing. He said "sad". I asked what makes him sad and I was not prepared for what I heard my 9 year old say. He said "because, in losing another daddy".... His father is active in the kids lives but lives 2 hours away.

Are you kidding me?!? Marriage God's way. What's more important than that?? My step daughter is hurt and furious. She doesn't want this divorce. None of us do, except him. Still, I cry nightly.

Sorry for the book. Basically, I'm asking for help in raising enough funds to pay 6 months rent and a security deposit. I did recently find a decent paying job. But, I have to attended training courses before I can start being paid... I am staying in this area because for the 1st time since 5th grade, my 17 year olds schooling, he's getting A's!! They have an amazing program for students with learning disabilities.

He is so proud of himself, I won't and will not disrupt his success. I want him to graduate feeling confident and proud.

So, yeah. I'm sorry this was long, I'm still in this fog. I'm trying to focus on me and the kids now. I have to focus on me and the kids now.

Thank you for bearing with me. I know God has plans to help me prosper and not harm. That's what I am holding close.